If Rosanne is the "Domestic Goddess," then Erma is the "Queen of Static Cling."

Before there was Rosanne to educate the public on being a wife and mother, there was Erma.

Here are some words of wisdom from Erma's book, Family: The Ties That Bind - And Gag!

1. Warning to those graduating: "The gowns themselves wrinkle when the lights hit them and hold the heat like a silo. The sleeves are designed to weigh down the collar so that halfway through the ceremony it shuts off the air to the windpipe, making breathing impossible."

2. On silicone injections to correct drooping eyebrows, bags, and sags: "Home solution: Move out before son moves back home."

3. On growing older: "My knees have grown together, my laugh lines are deep enough to plant barley, oats, or rye..."

4. On the children's lack of motivation: "(He) didn't want to be a priest because you have to work Sundays. And didn't want to be President of the United States because there was no chance for advancement. For a while, one of them talked about being a game show contestant, but, face it, he was too cheap to buy a vowel."

5. On her kitchen: "Trust me when I tell you the trash flow is at the flood stage."

6. On Halloween: "It's supposed to be a prelude to a religious celebration of All Saint's Day, but no one will ever convince me it was not started by a group of mothers who were art majors and seized the opportunity to publicly humiliate the rest of us."

To read more of this hilarious book, check it out. The call number is
818.5407 BOM.

c Waterloo Public Library 2007